shake and squeeze

This morning when my friend, Margie, asked me how I was on this Tuesday before Friday, when my two teenage daughters will get on a plane and fly to Mexico City to begin a month long trip with their grandparents, taking them to France, Italy, Greece, Turkey, back to France, then back to Mexico, before returning home in July, my answer was a word picture.

“I feel like an almost-empty bottle of shampoo that you turn upside down, 

shake violently, and then squeeze and shake, squeeze and shake, 

until every last drop spatters out.”

 

Getting the girls ready to travel AND helping them finish up their last couple weeks of school has been crazy, and has included trips to over a dozen stores, last minute searches for iPhone charger adapters and prepaid Visa cards that can be used outside the U.S.  (Where do they sell these???) It has involved lots of laundry, folding, packing, re-folding, and my dining room table has been taken over by bottles of sunscreen, toiletries and receipts.  My oldest is cramming for final exams and finishing last minute projects, like baking Irish Soda Bread for thirty people. We squeezed in a doctor’s visit and new prescriptions that caused allergic reactions and more trips to the pharmacy.  And because end-of-the-year friend stuff is HUGELY important to teens, we will be going to see the premiere of The Fault in our Stars on Thursday evening.

Shake and squeeze. 

Shake and squeeze. 

My mind and body are feeling the stretching, and my back is threatening to go out on me.  So today I am resting it and putting ice on it.  And as I slow the pace just a little I’m aware that something else is being stretched.  My heart is swelling with love for my daughters, with excitement over their adventure of a lifetime, but at times it’s also racing with the anxiety of letting them go, with the challenge to accept that they are growing up and, like thriving branches, they are growing out, away from the trunk. My heart is stretching as far as it can to trust.  To trust that God goes before them.  That He watches over their coming and going and is intimately in tune with their needs and longings.  That He is shaping all of us.

Even though it doesn’t make any sense and is a huge waste of time, my pattern for a long time has been to worry, pray, and then worry some more.  I find that praying relieves some of my anxiety, but then I usually go back to worrying because, well – I don’t know why.  Like I said, it doesn’t make sense.  What good does it do to trust God for 70 % and worry about the other 30%?  What would it be like to live a life of such surrender that 100% trust becomes a way of living?

I love the way The Message paraphrases the following passages:

Proverbs 3:5

The Message (MSG)

⁵ Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.

and

Philippians 4:6

The Message (MSG)

^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

I’ve had it all wrong – those two little words are changing my life.  

Instead of worrying, pray. Not, in addition to, or along with.  

But rather, Instead of.

I am seeing my daughters blossom before my eyes.  I am seeing them overcome their own anxieties, and problem solve solutions.  I am watching their beautiful branches extend further than I thought they would.  I am hearing their honest prayers as they give thanks and ask God for His help and blessing on our summer.  But as is so often the case, as the parent, I may be the one that is growing up the most.

What would the next month look like if you could live it without fear? This is the thought that came to me as I sat in church a couple of months ago. We were singing a song with the lyrics, “I will fear no evil, for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, Whom then shall I fear?” As we sang those words, anxious thoughts were swirling around in my mind. I was thinking (worrying) about many things: a writers’ conference I was preparing for, the end of the school year and heading into summer, and our upcoming trip to Mexico (and having to face my fear of flying.) In those moments I became painfully aware of what an anxious person I was becoming.

It seems that as I age, anxious thoughts creep into my life like extra pounds; it just gets harder to keep them away. I have always struggled some with anxiety, but now, as an almost 40-year-old mom of three, the number of things to worry about increases daily.

I have been in bed, right at that wonderful point of falling asleep, only to imagine myself driving over a bridge in my minivan with my children, having an accident and plunging into a river. Suddenly my eyes are open, my heart is pounding, and I am imagining every detail of how we would not be able to make it out of our sinking van, with water rushing in. I have also visualized our family waiting for our luggage at the baggage claim in Mexico City. I picture our youngest daughter straying just a little, then screaming as someone grabs her and runs, too fast for us to catch. Those moments feel so real, and I lay in bed paralyzed with fear, afraid of possible catastrophic events beyond my control.

That question lingered in my thoughts long after Sunday morning. I began to imagine what my life would look like if I could live the next month without fear. What if I could go to this conference, just be myself, meet people, learn all I could learn, and not pressure myself with unrealistic expectations. What if I could trust that my daughters would be fine on the last day of school without me? What if I could get on that airplane, and just enjoy the wonder of flying the friendly skies? And what if I could relax and enjoy every moment of our trip to Mexico instead of fearing the worst?

I think the bigger question is this: What if I could live life to the fullest, experiencing each moment with freedom from fear?

I am making progress. I still feel those anxious thoughts creeping in, but I am becoming ruthless in my intolerance of them. I had a great time at the conference, a fantastic trip to Mexico with my family, and even the flying was ok (with a little medicinal help from my doctor.) I sat next to my youngest daughter who wanted a window seat. I tried to see the experience from her innocent, trusting perspective.

We finished our summer with a trip to Spring Hill family camp in Evart, Michigan. I joined my family in putting on a harness and a helmet and flying over the lake on a zipline. Part way up the enormously tall tower, even though my daughters were not the least bit nervous about jumping off the platform and zipping down a cable over the lake, I was terrified. I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t think I could actually sit on that platform and jump off. In that moment, I had to make a decision. Did I really want to miss out because I was afraid? Because I might not like how it would feel? For me, this experience was not as much about a couple of seconds of thrill-seeking; it was more about the way I want to live my life.

In the coming months, I have some new adventures ahead of me. this week we are getting a puppy. In one month, all of my kids will be in full-day school. For the first time in thirteen years, I will have time on my hands – time to pursue my interests and follow where God is leading me. And starting in October, I have opportunities to begin speaking to groups of moms, and for me, public speaking feels a lot like climbing that tower and sitting on that platform. Part of me wants to get down. Take off my harness and helmet and just watch other people do it. But another part of me – a bigger part of me – wants to take the plunge. I want to fully live, and I want to experience all that God has for me. I believe that He is going to amaze and surprise me. I believe that the work He is doing inside me is much bigger than any work I am doing.

So what about you? What would the next month or the next year of your life look like if you lived it without fear? Can you sense God nudging you up any towers or out on any platforms? Are you being stretched or pushed out of your comfort zone? The best part about following through and taking those steps of faith - the most amazing part about jumping - is experiencing how secure you are in His hands.