Not
long ago, I found myself pulled into a conversation that caught me off guard
and left me feeling defensive and confused.
As I worked through my tangled thoughts, asking God to help me sort it
all out, and after sleeping on it, I realized that just like extending the arm,
a little time and distance in real life often helps to clear things up a
bit. We’ve heard that time heals all
wounds, and while I can’t fully subscribe to this notion, I do think that time
gives us perspective, which can be healing.
In the
early years of our marriage my husband and I had an on-going disagreement, and
ironically it had to do with the way
we resolved conflicts. We were familiar with Ephesians 4:27 which says not to
let the sun go down on your anger. We
had heard many sermons on this verse, and I pulled this scripture out every
time we had a nocturnal argument. Usually after arguing and getting nowhere,
Bernie would announce that he was going to bed.
I would protest, telling him that I couldn’t possibly sleep when we were
so upset with each other. In response, he
would roll over and cruise on into dreamland, and I would lay sleepless in bed,
seething, making up all kinds of stories about my heartless husband. And believe me, Bernie would always hear about it the next morning,
but he was right about one thing: we were usually able to figure things out
after he got a good night’s sleep.
One day
Bernie came to me and said, “Hey – check out this verse. I’ve never seen it before, but I think it’s a
good one.” Psalm 4:4: “Don’t sin by
letting anger gain control over you.
Think about it overnight and remain silent.” (NLT)
Huh. It may seem like this verse contradicts the
verse from Ephesians, but I think that instead of an “either/or,” this is a
“both/and.” Wisdom and maturity says,
“Don’t hold on to your anger. Be quick
to forgive. AND don’t just react and say
whatever comes to mind. Stop talking and
take some time to think about your response. “James 1:19 brings both concepts
together with very simple (though not easy) advice: “Be quick to listen, slow
to speak and slow to become angry.”
For me,
this has meant taking the time to ask myself questions like, “What is this
about for me? Why am I feeling
defensive? What is getting triggered
inside of me? Is there room in my
thinking for the possibility that I may not be 100% right in the way I’m seeing
things? Is there room for empathy? Am I
seeking first to understand the other person’s point of view?”
Sometimes,
after taking time to think things over, I realize there is still a conversation
that needs to happen. Sometimes I have
to accept that no amount of conversing will bring resolution. And many times I am able to let things
go. I’m not talking about sweeping
things under the rug, or stuffing my feelings.
I’m talking about letting go of resentment and walking in freedom.
Empathy
can lead us to understanding, and that can help us to let go. In the conversation I mentioned earlier, I
was able to empathize and understand that the person talking with me was sharing
a personal experience, was passionate about the topic, and had good
intentions. It wasn’t really about
me. That was enough to help me loosen my
grip and let it go.
I still
have trouble falling asleep during a disagreement, but I’m getting better at
the both/and. I now try to say, “I am
really upset, but I agree that we can figure this out tomorrow. But I still love you, and I know you love
me.” Sometimes I read a little to take
my mind off things, until my eyes (and my extended arms) get tired.
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